Last night I had a total FML moment. I’ve longed complained about my neighbors, I think there’s something about working from (and thus almost always being at) home that’s brought out some inner crotchety old lady in me who is delirious of children to not be on her lawn. Also, however, I happen to have some really horrible neighbors, most of which have moved out due to my place’s shockingly high turnover rate. I think it’s high time they were memorialized here …
3rd Worst Neighbors: Catherine “Kate” Kerslammerton and Soichiro
Kerslammerton has both the best nickname and was the nicest neighbor, she worked in some medical field and was super kind, she always said hello when I saw her, and she bought the coolest welcome mat (which she left for me when she moved out). The only problem is that she let her door slam shut every time she left (and somehow managed to slam it open) and created an epic clamor of sound when ever she walked Soichiro (her large black lab who liked to bark every time someone walked by). The door had an alarm hooked up but was never armed so when ever it open or shut it would go: slam! beepeepeepepp! Eventually she trained Soichiro not to bark, but was gone shortly thereafter. I actually kind of miss her …
2nd Worst Neighbors: The Rowdies
The Rowdies are actually a large group of people, I believe up to three Rowdy families may have lived in the same place but moved in and out without me knowing it by driving onto the lawn behind the building in order to move out with maximum laziness. One set of Rowdies had loud fights (Mrs. Rowdy was clearly unhappy) and were possibly evicted (at least I saw her filling out paper work on the back of a police car). One set was some college kids, two guys and one girl, who played crazy loud Eminem, once from 3 AM to 10 AM without stopping. Most recently The Rowdies have been doing a lot of construction, but only between 10 PM and 12 AM, but those Rowdies moved out yesterday*. The only thing that makes me think they’re all different Rowdies are their cars … but they always vanish like ghosts in the night.
My Worst Neighbor: TV-chan
TV-chan moved in about 6 months after I did, after a nice couple moved out, and has remained ever since. She got the nickname TV-chan because she put her TV on the other side of the wall my headboard is against and watched it all the time. I don’t think she had any friends for months, she would always watch TV in the afternoon, go to work in the evening, and then watch again until about 2 AM. Soap operas, almost always, but we watched the same episode of Glee at the same time once. Then a few months ago TV-chan got a boyfriend and, with him, friends. Now there’s less TV but every week or so she has them all over from 2 AM until 6 AM-ish loudly talking, catches a cool 2 or so hours of sleep, and leaves around 8 AM with her car screaming as it pulls out (it clearly has a belt that needs to be replaced). TV-chan might just be an insomniac. Last night she cemented her title by having a super loud fight with her boyfriend from 4 AM to 5 AM (complete with slamming noises) and then her friends showed up and gave her a keyboard (perhaps for her birthday?) upon which she attempted to re-learn “Chopsticks” … behind my head. I banged on the wall as if to say, “STFU! I just heard you fight with your boyfriend for an hour, do not make me listen to you learn keyboard at 5 AM!” The keyboard went blammmmm in response, but then started back up again in full force. I moved to the living room and slept on the couch. Yeah, I slept on the couch last night because my neighbor is an ass clown, and that’s why she gets the dubious distinction of My Worst Neighbor. Congratulations!
Update: TV-chan killed a squirrel by parking on top of it, I am not joking, she is a monster. The maintenance guys who cleaned it up were even like, “What kind of person does this?”
Update 2: Once I heard TV-chan’s boyfriend, in the middle of a fight, yell “I don’t love you!” really loud and it was sad.
* EDIT: The Rowdies are back and building! Good for you, Rowdies, good for you. Boyfriend says their place looks empty though so there’s still hope for a Rowdies-free life …